TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxury property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are talking Damascus, town historically noted for ancient lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be large. Large!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed from the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A number of the most effective. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and completely outside of put. Developed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable h2o. But Sure, absolutely sure, let's have A different area wherever American Males can dress in robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though past negotiations unsuccessful less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: offer Absolutely everyone a collection about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often gentle electricity," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock needs fewer diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Just about every device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It's actually not that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It truly is that he really should cease making use of it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the job, replied, "You recognize, gentleman, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Superior men and women. Excellent tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the resort's landscaping kinds a large Trump head noticeable from Area, a attribute being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as chin is… very well, classified.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits Trump Tower Damascus following discovering the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It is not just unattractive. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Bewildering Attributes


Perhaps the strangest factor on the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium in which attendees might ponder obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with local weather Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are Uncertain what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Come"


The ad marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Without end."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "the place's the nearest elevator to your West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is by now attracting attention from international buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll purchase a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level will also involve:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait around to determine a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge in which my PTSD might have change-down service."


Yet another post from @KuwaitiKardashian only questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to create a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Closing Ideas in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It needed gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave all of it three. You are welcome."

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